I remember the night well. I was nine years old that late July evening. The circus had come to town and set up a big tent at the county fairgrounds. My whole family decided to go for a fun filled evening of laughs and amazement. It was a very old fashioned kind of circus, nothing that uses any electricity or a motor except for the lights that keep the tent lit up. It was really something to behold to see things done with such spectacle without any sort of modern trickery. For example, when they wanted to emphasize a specific part of the act, they would shine a spotlight on them that appeared to be made from nothing more than a candle, some mirrors and a piece of colored glass. Truth be told, the flickering of the candle seemed to provide much more of a dramatic effect than a standard spotlight would.
The ringmaster was a classic looking fellow with a dark red tuxedo, thin waxy mustache, and black top hat. His lanky frame allowed him to really direct your focus to wherever he so desired. He was, as they say, a master of his craft. The way he spoke and moved his body, he made you believe that every act was going to be the greatest act you would ever see. Now, I don’t know if it was his words of hype or if the acts were just that good, but every single one of them felt absolutely incredible. Of course, some of them would have been considered nothing but amazing in their own right.
Have you ever seen a man riding a lion riding a horse? I have. I’ve also seen a midget flung out of a trebuchet and catch a fish in his teeth as he flew through the air. The feats performed in this circus were nothing more than amazing. In fact, it was so incredible that no one noticed any of the intricacies that made the show work. But I think I did. In fact, I think I saw something I wasn’t supposed to.
Imagine if you were to purchase a seamless quilt and then sometime after the purchase you were to find one of the seams. Though the casual observer would never notice it, you on the other hand would see it every time and could never stop seeing how out of place it looked. If you brought it to the manufacturer’s attention, they would be either embarrassed or insulted; perhaps even both. You were never supposed to see it and yet now it is glaring so obviously that you can never unsee it and the manufacturer knows.
I think I saw a seam.
About midway through the show, three small horse drawn wagons came trotting out to the middle of the tent. The horses stopped and a door opened on each side of each wagon. That’s when the clowns started coming out. One by one they climbed out of each door of each wagon, sometimes literally falling over each other. There must have been twenty in each. They were ridiculous and each one had their own look. Though I shall not attempt to describe them all, I will note there was something peculiar about them that at the same time made them more delightful. Sewn into the left breast of each clown suit was a tan name badge. The sewing was done very whimsical and childlike and the stitching of each name was done in a different color thread. They had fun names like Scott, Jason, Fred, and Mr. Fluffles.
They all partook in various delightful antics such as spraying seltzer water in each other’s faces and throwing pies. Some of them were much more ambitious performing such feats as making human pyramids which were knocked down with human bowling balls.
And that’s where I think I saw the seam. Immediately after the human pyramid came tumbling down, all the clowns sprang up with life and immediately went into their next routines without pause nor break. That’s when I caught a glimpse of something that I shouldn’t have. It only lasted seconds but felt like minutes.
One of the clowns, a particularly short one, from the pyramid was running to his next set when I saw his face or lack thereof. There were no eyes, nose, ears, or mouth if any kind. It wasn’t as though they had been lost in some tragic event, but instead as if he never had them to begin with. His face was completely smooth, almost more perfect than any face should be. It was made all the more disturbing by how meticulously the standard clown makeup was painted on. The white face. The big red painted in lips. The blue eye makeup. All without any of the features they were supposed to exaggerate. Even the goofy red foam nose appeared to simply be held to his face by some sort of adhesive.
And then he turned his head slightly and looked at me. Or at least it seemed that way. It was as though he was starting a hole into my eyes, even though he had none. I tried to look away and though I averted my gaze down my shoes, I could not help but look back up. When I did, I saw that the clown had turned his body to face me straight on and he looked angry. Though there was no face, his brow had furled in such a way that I knew he was mad.
I tried to look away again, but could not take my eyes away. I only managed to lower them enough to read the name badge sewn into his clown suit. It said BOBO and was written in a teal thread. I fixed my gaze back to Bobo’s face.
Another clown ran up and started tugging on Bobo’s arm, seemingly pleading with him to go. But Bobo didn’t even seem to notice. He just kept staring at me, piercing a hole into my soul. The ringmaster then stormed over to the two clowns shouting with his arms outstretched. Though I could not make it what he was saying, I soon figured it out when the second clown ceased his tugging and pointed at me. The ringmaster snapped his head in my direction and glared directly into my eyes.
Instantly, I was overwhelmed with terror and quickly turned my head to other parts of the circus. And then I saw all the seams. Between all the antics the other clowns were performing, there were circus workers setting up for the next act. Poles and nets were being erected. High wires were being strung up. Midget canons were being moved into position. The sounds of hammer and nails could be heard as pieces were secured into place.
I looked back towards the ringmaster just in time to see him storming off angrily. This time, he did not look back.
I glanced towards my parents who were apparently oblivious to the whole thing as they simply just delighted in the performance in front of them.
I tried to push the frightening experience from my mind and enjoy the rest of the show but I couldn’t. There was so much distracting me from the acts. For example, while the animal tricks were going on, a rollercoaster was being set up for the unicycle act. While the unicycle act was happening, a high dive was being prepared for the trapeze artists. While the trapeze artists were performing their high dive, the target for the midget canon was being put into place. And so forth throughout the remainder of the show. In fact, I was so distracted by all the stuff going on, I didn’t actually see any of the remaining acts themselves.
When we left, my father exclaimed, “Wow, wasn’t that great!”
“I guess,” I replied sheepishly, “but I often found myself distracted all the other stuff going on.”
My mother looked at me confused. “Whatever do you mean dear?”
“You know; all the pieces they were constantly setting up for the next act.”
“You actually saw all that?” my dad managed to laugh out. “The show was so seamless that I never saw any of it. You’ll have to tell me about it when we get home. I was really wondering how they managed to do it all.”
“You mean you didn’t see any of it?”
They both just smiled and shook their heads.
“It must be that childlike wonder,” my mom said. “So curious and observant that you notice the things the rest of us just tune out.”
I never did bring up Bobo the faceless clown to my parents nor did I mention the frightening experience with the ringmaster. There didn’t seem any need to as I suspected that they never saw it happen either. Speaking with several classmates and other people who went to the show, I learned that none of them saw any of what I saw either. I chalked it up to just a bad experience and tried to move on with my life, leaving the whole awful experience in the past.
Throughout the rest of my school years, I found that I was very keen on picking up what others could not and did extremely well. Excelling where others did not and above where others did made me cocky. At the time, I thought there was something great about me, and why shouldn’t I have? I passed through college with flying colors and worked my way up the corporate ladder to become one of the most successful businessmen in the world. I was revered and loved, even by those who hated me. How many people were so good at what they did that they would donate everything on multiple occasions knowing full well that they were good enough to earn it all back in the blink of an eye?
However, after several failed marriages (all of them ending in my favor, mind you), I began to suspect that something wrong with me. Despite all my accomplishments and success, I wasn’t happy. When I began to analyze my life, I noticed that I didn’t have any close friends. In fact, the only people who remained friends with me were the ones who only saw me on occasion. Everyone else grew tired of me and cut their ties just like my many wives. Just like my children. I tried to contact a few of them to find out why they left. Only one person actually got back to me. It was my best friend from grade school. He simply told me, “You take the joy out of everything.” And that was the last I heard from him.
I thought about what he has said for a long while. Looking back through my life, I noticed how terribly boring everything was. There was no sense of wonder in anything as I only had to look at it and could see how it worked. Every single little detail was visible, making whatever it was I was looking at incredibly dull. In retrospect, I was a terrible burden for anyone who wanted to enjoy life. Like a leach, I just sucked all the wonder and awe right out of them. How the hell did I get a woman to stay with me long enough to get married, let alone five? Right, I knew just what to do. I knew how to keep them in tow long enough to suck the last bits of happiness out of them before they couldn’t take it anymore and they ended it in bitter divorce. A divorce that always ended in my favor. Even in salvation I still managed to crush their souls.
Examining my life, I tried to find the last moment I was genuinely happy, the last time I had a genuine sense of wonder. I was nine. The circus had come to town and set up a big tent at the county fairgrounds. My whole family decided to go for a fun filled evening of laughs and amazement. It was a very old fashioned kind of circus, nothing that uses any electricity or a motor except for the lights that keep the tent lit up. It was really something to behold to see things done with such spectacle without any sort of modern trickery. And then I saw the clown. Bobo. That was the moment I lost my wonder. That was the moment I began to see everything. That was the moment my life fell apart.
Suddenly, things were starting to make sense. Suddenly, the moment my life had changed for the worse was clear. With this newfound knowledge, I had regained my sense of wonder, even if it was only for one thing. Who was this clown?
I started by looking at old newspaper clippings at the library from the date I was at the circus. Since I couldn’t remember what it was called, I figured I should start at the one location I knew was concrete. It wasn’t long before I found what I was looking for. The front page of the local paper from that day had read, “RINGLE’S OLDE TYME CIRCUS DELIGHTS AND ENTERTAINS.”
The article went on to give a praising review about how spectacular the show was. The only photograph was of the outside of the tent with people leaving in delight. Aside from the headline, the article provided no useful information, but that was okay. I got what I came for in the name of the circus which I quickly jotted down on a piece of paper before heading home to do some research on the internet.
However, what I thought would be quick with lots of information instead turned into days and weeks of research with very little to find. I found plenty of reviews on the circus, but almost no pictures and what pictures that I could find were always of the outside. This seemed quite strange living in an age of cell phones and Facebook to not be able to find a single picture inside the tent. From what I was able to gather reading various article that no one with a cell phone or camera of any sort was admitted into the tent. If anyone wanted to see the show, they had to leave any picture taking devices outside. According to one interview, this was because they run a very careful show and a photograph could take someone out of the experience and ruin the magic of it all. This seemed like a lame excuse at first, but then I thought back to what had happened to me. If someone were to take a photo, they might see something that was never meant to be seen.
After what seemed like must have been at least a month of tireless searching, I was getting ready to give up. I was no closer than when I started and the fatigue had been weighing heavy. It was about then I stumbled across an article about a man who had committed suicide via malnutrition. The article was from about eight years ago and seemed wholly unrelated to my quest, but I had never heard of someone intentionally killing themselves via malnutrition and it piqued my curiosity and even the tiniest sense of wonder filled me with excitement.
His name was Gregory Walters and he was fifty-six years old when he died. It wasn’t much of an article. If anything, it was more like an extreme obituary. He was a computer programmer who fell into a deep depression at twenty-eight years old and remained that way until he died. The story mentioned a suicide note was left on a message board but didn’t give the contents of it. Not only that, it didn’t even name the message board or his username.
It took a bit of bit of digging, but I eventually found the post. He went by the uninspired handle of gregory_walters2. Apparently, someone already had the handle of gregory_walters. He had actually posted his suicide note three years prior to his death. I guess it takes a while to die of malnutrition. His final post before his death just simply read, “Looks like it’s just about time to go. Always keep wondering. ” The replies were full of annoyance. “Seriously? After all the curiosity you’ve killed? That’s your final statement? What an ass!” Most of the comments shared the sentiment.
Gregory had been posting on this board for quite a few years. No matter what he said, he seemed to excel at sucking the enjoyment out of everything. Someone would point out something strange or peculiar and Gregory would just point out how mundane it really was. In detail. The thing was, he didn’t seem to be getting any enjoyment out of it. It just seemed he had nothing else to do. A few times he mentioned how he was just helping, though he was under no illusion as to why they were upset with him. He knew. And he understood.
This was all very interesting stuff and it soon got a lot more interesting as I was making my way backwards through his posts attempting to find the suicide note. There was a reply from a user that caught every bit of my attention. It was in response to Gregory defending his helpfulness. The user replied, “Just go FUCK OFF already! You and your stupid clown. Nobody gives a shit.”
Suddenly, his death was a lot more important.
Here was a man who like me had no sense of wonder and somehow in all of this, a clown is involved. My memories were taken back to the night at the circus and of that awful faceless clown. I shuddered as a chill ran down my spine. Could things be falling into place?
I continued digging through his posts. For the most part, they were pretty mundane. It took me a while, but I eventually made it to the suicide note after sifting through three years of posts. I suppose to average person reading it, it sounded like someone really had no intentions of killing themselves. But to me, it felt like a terrifying echo.
“I know many of you don’t appreciate the information I give on here. Don’t worry, I understand why. In fact, I understand everything. I have understood everything for the past twenty-five years. It is for this reason I have decided to take my life. I have no intention of making a spectacle of it. There is nothing interesting in that. I simply choose not to do anything to actively sustain my life.
“Ever since that day at Ringle’s Circus, since I saw that faceless clown, there is nothing to wonder anymore. I have no curiosity. I don’t know why or what the clown has to do with it, but for some reason, I can pinpoint to that moment as the day I lost hope. The day I could no longer look forward to something new and interesting. I’m tired of it. Without curiosity, there is no joy. No motivation. Just, emptiness.
“So, I’ll continue try to be of help until the day comes, though I know there will be little appreciation. If I can help one struggling person, then it’ll be worth it, even if it is of no consequence to me. If I can offer one piece of advice that you all need to heed, it’s stay away from the circus. Just stay away.”
I must have read the suicide note twenty times. It seemed so strange to me. Here was a man who was writing to the world about why he needed to end it and what people needed to do to save themselves, and yet he didn’t seem to give a damn. It was so poor that it’s no wonder that no one took him seriously. He even told them that it wouldn’t be a spectacle and then continued to post for another three years before finally dying of malnutrition. When it takes three years of no effort, can that even be considered suicide anymore?
But then I read the comments. Mostly negative, but a few caught my eye. Comments like, “Not this clown bullshit again.”
So. It was the clown. But was it the same clown? Strange he didn’t mention the clown once in the three years after he posted the suicide note, but by all the comments, it seems like it had been a recurring theme.
As I continued to dig deeper and deeper in Gregory’s post history, the posts about the clown grew more frequent. More detailed. He often referred to him as the faceless clown, but in one post, Gregory called him by name. Bob. Gregory hadn’t even seen his whole name tag, but somehow noticed everything else in the world around him from that point on. It seems trivial to focus on such a minute detail, but how does one suddenly understand everything around him and yet miss something on the thing that caused it.
I created a handle on the message board and replied to the long dormant post.
“His name wasn’t Bob. It was Bobo.”
It was about three minutes before I got a reply.
“Oh FUCK! Not this shitagain. Why isn’t this thread locked?”
Over the next few weeks, I posted replies on the various topics that Gregory had posted and replied to, only have them locked within minutes, mostly because they were old threads. Eventually, my account was banned for bumping old threads and what the moderators claimed was spamming. I cursed angrily at the computer before shutting it down.
I was exhausted. Tired. Defeated. I was ready to give up. I plopped down on the couch and stared at the blank television screen. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I watched it, so I turned it on. All that came up was a solid box that said NO SIGNAL FOUND. That’s right. I didn’t have cable. I walked over to the set and found a remote for Roku. Funny, I don’t recall ever using a Roku, but come to think of it, my last wife used it quite a bit. I turned it on and opened up Hulu. It worked and I began to wonder how long my bank account had been paying for this, not that it mattered. I hit play on a show called South Park and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. I laughed. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d had such enjoyment so when the beer was finished, I grabbed another one. And when the episode finished, I watched another and grabbed another beer. And so was the cycle of my evening.
I was awakened by the sun shortly after ten the next morning surrounded by empty beer bottles. It was bright and seemed to make my entire apartment glow. Shielding my eyes, I sat up and took a half sleepy look around. The television screen simply had the word ROKU bouncing around inside of it. I chuckled to myself. Apparently I had passed out watching television and though I had a slight hangover, I was feeling pretty good. Though I wasn’t sure why, I had a strange sense of peace about me and I wasn’t going to question it. After a shower and some breakfast, I made my way outside.
It was beautiful. The sky was an amazing shade of blue and clouds of the purest white were scattered about. Birds chirped gently in the trees by the sidewalk as people rode by on their bicycles. On one corner was a young boy hustling newspapers. I’d never noticed him before and the few times I actually read a newspaper, it was because I noticed a headline at the convenience store and didn’t want to take the time to look it up on my phone. I wondered how long this kid had been hustling and so I walked over to him.
“Hey, kid,” I said. “How long have you been hustling papers on this corner?”
He looked up and smiled.
“About three months, sir,” he replied.
“Three months!?” I asked astonished. “How is it you’ve been doing this for three months and I’ve never noticed?”
“Dunno, sir. The last kid worked this corner for three years before I took over.”
“Three years? Has there really been a young paper hustler on this corner for three years?”
“Longer I think, sir.”
“Really? Well what happened to the kid before you?”
“He got a promotion. The Daily Telegram called him up to work in the headquarters.”
“The Daily Telegram?”
The boy looked at me puzzled. “The local newspaper, sir.”
“I’ve never heard of such a paper? How on earth does it stay in business, let alone afford to pay someone to stand on the street and hustle them?”
The boy shrugged. “It’s the old school charm of it all, I suppose. All the big papers have gotten so impersonal, you know. But The Daily Telegram stays small and local, growing only big enough to survive, but not so big as to lose its appeal. Instead of putting papers inside stores, delivering to houses, or having an expensive website, it hires young local boys such as myself so sell in our own little sections of the community.”
“Huh,” I said, surprised. “Well, how much for a paper?”
“Fifty cents, sir.”
The price took me back. I hadn’t expected such a low cost. “Fifty cents!?” I exclaimed. “Surely that can’t be the price. You mean a dollar fifty, right? Or perhaps two fifty?”
“No. Just fifty cents, sir. Although we do appreciate tips.”
I was shocked. How had I never noticed this? It was really quite pathetic for a man who noticed everything. I handed him a five-dollar bill and purchased a paper.
“Keep the change, lad. You’ve made my day,” I said as I walked away.
“Thank you, sir!” he shouted after me.
As I walked down the street, I unfolded the paper to see what the local news was. Considering I had never even noticed the local paper hustlers in this town, I wondered what else I’d never noticed. What I saw when I unfolded it, however, caught me off guard. Right on the front page was a photograph of a large circus tent with the headline “RINGLE’S OLDE TYME CIRCUS COMES TO TOWN.”
Upon reading the article, I found the headline slightly inaccurate as it was really about three towns over. It wasn’t until sometime later that I learned this paper covered all the towns in the county so it was, technically, accurate. I pondered for a while on what I should do. Fear started to overcome me as the pace of my heart quickly intensified. Beating forcefully in my chest, I felt anxiety becoming overwhelming. Deep down, I knew I had to go, but I was in no condition to take myself, so I called for a taxi. The whole drive, I could feel my heart racing. I must have looked like a paranoid lunatic as I could see the driver making concerned glances at me through his rearview mirror. When he dropped me off at the circus, I just stared at the tent for what seemed like an eternity, but was more likely only a few seconds.
“You gonna be okay, bub?”
“Huh?” I asked somewhat disoriented as I regained my senses.
“I said, ‘are you gonna be okay, bub?'”
It was the taxi driver. Looking into his eyes, I could tell that he had a lot of concern for people, something I hadn’t really seen in anyone before, perhaps because I never really paid enough attention to show any myself. I was beginning to think that for all that I saw, there was an equal amount that I had missed.
“Yeah,” I said. “Yeah. I think I’ll be fine.”
In reality, I wasn’t sure how fine I’d be, but with perhaps the only chance I’ll have to find my answers, I walked towards that circus tent.
Inside, I found a seat and waited uncomfortably by crowds of excited families. For all the joy that surrounded me, I was terribly uncomfortable. It seemed like forever before the show started, but once it did, I could not have expected it to affect me the way it did.
The Ringmaster came out, the same one as when I was just a child. Despite now having gray hair, he looked just the same as he did before and commanded just as much presence as he ever did. I’m not quite sure how he did it, but I was impressed. But as he was going through his whole ladies and gentlemen spiel, he seemed to look directly at me without ever breaking his routine. At first, I thought it was just coincidence until he took off his top hat and took a bow. As he did, he lifted his head slightly, looked into my eyes, and gave a slight nod before he left.
Logic dictated that such an action should’ve terrified me, but somehow, I knew that it was friendly. Somehow, I knew that his nod was a gesture of goodwill. I don’t know why, but like most everything else in my life over the past twenty-six years, I knew exactly what it’s purpose was.
Watching the show this time around was a completely different experience. I saw exactly how everything worked, just like I did as a ten-year-old boy. But unlike the first time, I also got to see the show and enjoy it. It was marvelous. The wonder wasn’t there, but it was still incredible to watch. At the end along with everyone, I participated in the standing ovation. As we all filed out of the tent, I could tell from the conversations that people were having that I was the only one who saw the inner workings of the circus. That was okay with me. Considering what I had been through, it was probably for the better. I was just glad that it was finally over. Or so I thought.
Exiting the tent, I felt a hand upon my shoulder. Turning around, I came face to face with the ticket taker who gave me a warm smile.
“The Ringmaster would like to have a special word with you in his wagon if you don’t mind,” he said.
Seriously? What could he possibly want. I was nervous. I hadn’t gotten the answers I wanted when I came, but at this point, I didn’t feel that I really needed them. But if the Ringmaster wanted to see me, then perhaps maybe my answers needed to be revealed. I asked the ticket man for directions and he kindly gave them to me. Upon arriving at the wagon, I found it to be quite simply made and painted red with a gold painted trim. There was no name or anything distinguishing it from the other wagons other than the trim itself. I knocked. The door opened and the Ringmaster invited me in. And so I entered. He sat down in his chair as I just stood there and stared. I apparently didn’t realize that outside of the tent, he was a very casual man.
“Come,” he said, “please sit.”
And so I sat.
He leaned back and smiled as he twisted one end of his waxy moustache between his fingers. He just stared at me for a little bit as though he was analyzing me to make sure he knew everything he needed to before he made any statements. Finally, he spoke again.
“I remember you,” he said.
“I kind of got that feeling,” I replied.
“Twenty-six years ago. You were just a boy. You saw a part of our show you weren’t supposed to see.”
“How could you possibly know who I am?”
“I never forget a face.”
I was taken aback. Really? Such a clichéd line, yet to the best of my knowledge, there could be no other explanation.
“Alright,” I responded. “Fair enough. How did you pick me out of the crowd?”
“I have very good eyes.”
Was this guy for real? Has he been looking for me at every show since then? I was starting to feel uncomfortable.
“Honestly,” he began, “I thought I caught a glimpse of someone I’d seen before during my jabbering at the start of the show. That’s why I did the bow in your direction. I wanted to be sure without calling too much attention to myself. When I realized that it was someone who’d seen some of our more intimate details, I knew I had to speak to you.”
“What the hell did you do to me?” I demanded.
“Do to you? What preposterous presumptions you have. What makes you assume that I’ve ever done anything to you?
He seemed genuinely insulted. I realized I had directed my question at the wrong individual, or to put it more accurately, about the wrong individual.
“Let me rephrase,” I said angrily. “What did that fucking clown do to me!?”
Apparently, I had said the wrong thing. With my words, his eyes burst wide with fire and he stood up, tall and menacingly. He pounded his cane to the floor with great fury. He spoke with a booming anger that made shrink in fear.
“DO NOT SPEAK ILL OF THE DEAD!! Let alone those less fortunate then you.”
I was paralyzed. Too afraid to speak or move. When he saw the fear in my eyes, he seemed to compose himself and sit down. He lit a cigarette for himself and offered me one. I did not decline out of fear of insulting him again.
“Perhaps I should explain,” he said. “The clown of which you speak passed away two and a half years ago. The poor wretch lived a hard life, but he was kind. His name was Bobo.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Oh, so you were able to read his name tag? Well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You do seem to have such a fine eye for detail.”
“So, the clown could see me…”
“See you?” he said amused by my statement. “What? No! You did notice that he had no face, right?”
“Of course I noticed he had no face. But he looked right at me. Not just looked, but stared right into my eyes. And then you make this comment about knowing my eye for detail. It seems to me that you’ve seen this thing happen before.”
The Ringmaster laughed gently and took a deep drag on his cigarette. With an exhale and a sigh, he answered my accusations.
“Bobo could not see you. At best, he could make out varying degrees of brightness. Despite his appearances, he was born with eyes, ears, and mouth, just none of the cartilage to form a proper nose or ears.”
“But his head was totally smooth,” I protested. “There were not even holes for ears or mouth, nor lids for eyes to see.”
“Please, don’t interrupt.” He took another drag on his cigarette and then leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and letting his hands hang down. “Bobo was born with skin completely covering his entire head. At the time of his birth, doctors were not sure what to do, only that they knew he would die if they didn’t do something immediately. They were young and not prepared to deal with such a horrible situation. Afraid to make a mouth out of fear that a newborn would choke on any blood, they opted to create a hole in his throat to allow him to breathe. He was fed intravenously through a special tube inserted into his arm.”
I stared at the Ringmaster in complete disbelief. This was so much to take in and didn’t make a whole lot of sense.
“That sounds completely retarded,” I objected. “If he truly had eyes and mouth and ears, then why didn’t he just get the surgery to correct it? It’s not like we’re living in the dark ages.”
The Ringmaster raised an eyebrow and leaned back.
“Retarded? Really? Let me ask you this. If you had spent most of your life living without true sight, muffled sounds, and the inability to properly speak with others; if you had learned to live your life with fulfillment and happiness and then someone offered you to completely turn your world upside down from what you had known, would you take it? If you are honest with yourself, you’ll realize that such a change is a terrifying prospect. Bobo was at peace with who he was. To change that was an element of fear he did not desire.”
I sat and thought about what he’d just said for a moment. We often spend so much time feeling sorry for those less fortunate then us without ever giving pause to find out if they are happy as they are. So often we want to correct their problems without ever stopping to ask if they themselves consider it a problem to begin with. Though I was briefly distracted by these thoughts, it wasn’t long before I got back to the matter at hand.
“Alright,” I said, “if he couldn’t see me, then why did he stop and look right at me?”
The Ringmaster laughed.
“Oh-ho-ho-ho! He wasn’t looking at you. Bobo had incredible awareness of what was going on around him, but on occasion he would have difficulty figuring out what was exactly was happening and he’d have to stop and try to collect himself to move on. You just happened to witness one of those moments.”
“He looked pissed that I saw him,” I replied.
“Of course he looked ‘pissed’. He was having more difficulty than normal figuring out what was going on and he just happened to be facing your direction.”
“What about you?” I asked. “You looked pretty pissed at me, too.”
“Not so much pissed at you, more visibly upset that someone had witnessed the operations of our show that are not meant to be seen by public eyes. We take a great deal of care to make the show as seamless as possible while distracting the eye from how we do it.”
All his answers had seemed pretty reasonable thus far, but that still didn’t explain what happened to myself and Gregory. I needed to know.
“What about Gregory Walters?” I asked.
“Who?” he replied. The Ringmaster seemed to genuinely have no knowledge him.
“Gregory Walters. He saw Bobo the clown and suddenly understood how everything worked. He had no sense of wonder anymore and fell into a depression so bad that he eventually committed suicide via malnutrition. Nearly the same thing happened to me. I was able to see exactly how everything worked. My entire sense of wonder was gone. It cost me friendships, marriages, and my children. The only thing it hasn’t taken from me yet is my life. How do you explain all that? Huh? Two people witnessed that clown and suddenly we know everything? Suddenly we have no more curiosity? Suddenly our lives turn to shit? How do you explain that!?”
The Ringmaster appeared to be taken back, though not by what had happened but by my accusations. He took one final deep puff of his cigarette before putting it out in the ashtray next to him and leaning forward to me.
“Look,” he began, “I have no knowledge of who this Gregory Walters was or the circumstances that lead to his death. I cannot vouch for anything that has happened in his life. Did he see Bobo the clown? Perhaps. But since I don’t personally know anything about him, there is nothing I can say about his situation. I can say this, however. For one who claims to have lost his wonder and knows everything, you sure have a lot of questions.”
He was right. Over the past few months or more, I’ve had a considerable amount of wonder. In fact, I hadn’t even stopped to consider it. I had become so engrossed in finding out what had happened that I didn’t even realize that I couldn’t see how everything worked.
“Let me propose a question to you,” he continued. “Let’s suppose you were witnessing the most amazing thing you had ever seen in your entire life when you visited our circus all those years ago. Now, when you noticed poor Bobo, you also witnessed the inner workings of the most amazing thing in your life at the same moment you were seeing it. Suddenly, everything else doesn’t seem that incredible anymore, does it? I would speculate that at that moment, your eyes and ears became much more attuned to the world around you. I would imagine that you and this Gregory fellow started picking up on little subtleties that the most people would never have noticed.
“No, I wouldn’t presume that you lost your sense of wonder. Far from it. I would estimate that you picked up on so many small details that you didn’t notice the finer ones. I would estimate that you were so preoccupied with the insignificant points that you failed to appreciate what was good and interesting in your life.”
He was right again. Once I started having questions again, I started seeing all the good things around me, like that paper pusher I’d never noticed. Hell, I didn’t even know we still had a local newspaper or even what its name was. But I’d never felt depressed. Sure, I hadn’t been truly happy, but I wasn’t depressed. Then I started to think about the path I took. While I became a burden on everyone else, Gregory became a burden on himself. While I became incredibly successful, Gregory resigned himself to the lonely corner of the internet with no real direction to focus his lack of curiosity. While I had made something of myself, Gregory did nothing to keep himself going. And I believe that’s where we diverged. My constant pushing allowed me to hunt down my source where Greg just gave up. That’s why I was able to break free.
“You seem deep in thought,” the Ringmaster said.
“What?” I asked as I snapped back into the conversation. “Oh, yes. Sorry. Um, why did you invite me in here? You said you had to speak to me?”
His eyes lit up.
“Oh, right! My, how we’ve wandered off topic. My apologies. It’s been so long since I’ve had such a good conversation with an outsider that I had forgotten why I called for you in the first place. But then again, you’re no ordinary outsider are you.”
“Listen, when I noticed you the first time way back when, I realized that you had probably seen all the inner workings of our show and now I know this to be fact.” He sighed and let out a breath. “I’m getting old and in a few more years I shall need to retire. I can’t keep doing this forever and yet the show must go on.”
“You can’t be serious,” I replied when I realized what he was about to ask me.
“I can’t be replaced with just anybody and the other performers all have their own roles. The role of Ringmaster will require a fresh face. Someone who can see what’s going on without putting too much focus on one act over the other. Someone who knows how to run a show.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was he seriously asking me to take over for him?
“I don’t know the first thing about running a circus!” I exclaimed. “What makes you think I would even want to in the first place?”
A sly smile slid across his face.
“You like a challenge, don’t you? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I presume you’ve been very successful in life, despite your faults. Your quip earlier about marriages, plural, indicates to me that you must have some degree of success, otherwise I don’t imagine these women would keep marrying you.”
To say I was speechless would be to put it mildly. This man seemed to be able to read me like a book and I had nothing to counter him with. As I just sat there dumbfounded, he leaned back and continued.
“Oh, you won’t just get thrown into it. I’d still be running the show for a few more years while you trained under me until I thought it was in good hands. The performers and crew are truly good people and you’ll develop wonderful lasting relationships with them all. It’s a hard life, but a worthwhile one. I wouldn’t trade a day of it for anything else. What do you say?”
The Ringmaster extended a hand towards me. I stared at it for a bit as I thought about my life since that day. All that I had missed. All that I had lost. My friends hated me. My family hated me. I’m relatively sure I must be fired from my job by now for all the time I’ve missed without giving even so much as a phone call. I had alienated almost everyone I knew. At this point, I didn’t have anything except for a regained sense of wonder and a lot of free time on my hands. I didn’t have to think long.
Reaching out and grasping his hand, I gave it a firm shake. With all that time and wonder, I might as well put it to good use.
3 thoughts on “Wonderless”
Well, now I know where you’ve been, Brad: writing!
I was enjoying this until I stop enjoying it. I didn’t stop enjoying it because the story ceased to be interesting, but it simply got too long. I did a word count: 7,500 words.
My attention span for an Internet story or post or essay is 1,000 to 1,500 words – 2,000, if it is riveting. If this story were to be broken into four or five chapters, I would look forward to coming back to your blog each day to continue reading.
I didn’t read the entire story. Tomorrow, I will return and read another chunk.
All that said, I continue to enjoy your creativity. Keep up the good work! It’s good to see a new post. But, um, you owe me an ending to the train story. 🙂
Yes, this was a long piece, something of an ambitious project for me. Feel free to read at your own pace. My original plan was to post this in time for Halloween, but once I figured out the ending, I decided I needed a little more time.
Oh, and the train story is a work in progress and I still have a lot more letters to write. My plan is that no one letter will explain everything or even anything, but when you’ve read them all, you’ll be able to put what happened together. Or at the very least, what happens together.
I will order Amazon’s “Attention Span Restarter.” 🙂